I did want to apologize for scaring you the other day though; my condolences to your bladder. I truly thought you would like me sneaking up on you and snarling at your butt. I guess not every one appreciates my superior sense of humor. I promise I will snap at you from at least 3 feet away from now on.
Oh, and believe me when I say I am mortified that the contents of one of my "deposits" ended up on your shoe. I swear I don't know how that got there, I thought my human always cleaned up after me. I guess it's hard to keep up with such an exquisite canine specimen. Personally, I don't mind the odor, but judging from the fact that you left your shoes on your doorstep for three days I'd guess you don't appreciate it like I do.
Well, thanks for "listening". If you need me to bite you or eat your trash or anything don't hesitate to call.
*Dog's name has been changed to protect identity