Dear human girl next door,

I just wanted to start this letter by thanking you for allowing me to bark all night. My humans were not home and I was forced to protect our apartment with my intimidating yapping. I also get nervous when I'm alone for long periods of time (don't tell anyone) and keeping you awake always makes me feel better. And hey! Thanks for barking along with me! Okay, honestly I couldn't really tell if you were barking or yelling but you know me... the glass is always half full. You were, of course, barking.

I did want to apologize for scaring you the other day though; my condolences to your bladder. I truly thought you would like me sneaking up on you and snarling at your butt. I guess not every one appreciates my superior sense of humor. I promise I will snap at you from at least 3 feet away from now on.

Oh, and believe me when I say I am mortified that the contents of one of my "deposits" ended up on your shoe. I swear I don't know how that got there, I thought my human always cleaned up after me. I guess it's hard to keep up with such an exquisite canine specimen. Personally, I don't mind the odor, but judging from the fact that you left your shoes on your doorstep for three days I'd guess you don't appreciate it like I do.

Well, thanks for "listening". If you need me to bite you or eat your trash or anything don't hesitate to call.

I love you,

Barf-Breath*

*Dog's name has been changed to protect identity