Saturday, October 18, 2008

Now What?

So I survived the surgery. It wasn't all that fun, it wasn't all that pretty, but man the drugs were great. I don't want to bog you down with details so...


What's that?

You would love to hear every detail because you know it makes me feel better to talk about it and I'll never know if you read it all anyway? Great! I'll hit it from the top.

The night before:
The doctor told me I couldn't eat anything after midnight. No eating huh? No one tells me I can't eat. Even though the starvation period would only be from midnight to 9 am the combination of no food and being stabbed with needles was too much to handle. I needed a serious last meal before all this went down.

So I started off with about 17 mint chocolate truffles to ease my pain.

After my stomachache went away Tyson and I went to Arby's where I gorged myself on curly fries and root beer. I really like Arby's. Especially the roast beef sandwich with all the processed cheese squirted on top. Mmmm. Can't be beat. It was a good last meal choice.

A little later that night one of our home teachers came over and he and Tyson gave me a blessing. It was comforting and so emotional at the same time. Tyson and I were beginning to deal with the reality of losing this baby and it wasn't fun. We shed a few tears and held each other close and somehow made it through the night.

I also ate three more truffles. Don't tell Bob and Jillian.

The morning of:
5 am came really quick. I stumbled out of bed, dressed in my finest pajamas and ran a toothbrush over my teeth. I was so nervous but too tired to worry about it so I put myself on autopilot and let Tyson steer me through the day.

We made it to the hospital, got the preliminary paperwork finished and approached my first hurdle of the day. I had to get my blood drawn. I hate needles so much. Hate hate HATE them! I know it's irrational but I can't help it and every time I even see one heading my way I start to shiver and feel like I'm going to pass out. This was no exception.

Good thing it took her THREE tries to get my blood out.

So not fun. I was hoping to have a humongous bruise to show off how tough I was but no such luck. I took this as a bad omen of how the rest of the day was going to go.

After the blood bath the nurse took me to a not so private section of the hallway with a curtain to shield me from the world. She then gave me a backless gown (no pants or undies allowed) that was missing a tie and had a hole where the breast-pocket was. However, considering the surgery I was about to have I figured modesty wasn't a requirement so I didn't complain and arranged the gown as comfortably as possible. I should have put it on backwards and wrapped it around myself like a robe, ha ha.

I will admit I felt a little awkward as a male courier came to take me to surgery and I had to stand up and walk from my chair to the gurney. The tails of my gown flapped around my backside but I think I clutched the cloth tight enough to keep myself from flashing/mooning him. I hope.

He took me to another section of the hospital where I felt like I waited forever. It was probably only about twenty minutes but considering I was now separated from my husband and awaiting an I.V. (worst fear ever) I was not a happy camper. Finally the anesthesiologist came to stab me again. By this point I was visibly shaking and I told him at least three times how nervous I was. He patted my shoulder and told me he would give me something to relax.

I love anesthesiologists.

He poked me with something that was supposed to numb the I.V. area and then put the I.V. in. And you know what? I didn't feel a thing! Oh, I was so grateful. I had been praying and praying that the I.V. wouldn't be as bad as the blood drawing and it totally wasn't. Now I had made it through the worst... but wait. Someone else was walking toward me with a needle in his hand. Stay away, stay away!

He came to me and said he would be the anesthesiologist who would be in the surgery with me. "Ok" I said, "but are you gonna have to poke me again?"
"No way!" Said he, "You've got an I.V.!"


"This will help you relax." he said.

And it did. About 30 seconds after he injected the contents of his blessed little syringe I started smiling. I knew it was totally stupid and I wanted to slap myself but I just couldn't help it. What I really wanted to do was laugh out loud but I knew that would be so wrong and creep out the other patients so I actually did a great job of restraining myself. "A" man came back and asked me if I was feeling it. Uh, yes, yes I am. Muchas gracias.

A couple minutes later a nurse came over to me and covered me with about three pre-warmed blankets. She was very sympathetic and took great care of me... I think. It was about this point where I started to lose track of what was going on around me but I'm sure she was nice the whole time.

Someone wheeled me into the O.R. and put an oxygen mask on my face. Breathe deep they said. The nurse put another warm blanket across my arms and then...

Someone was waking me up. It was over. I was so relieved.

The nurse who woke me up was so sweet and kind. She had recently had a miscarriage and had the same surgery that I had. She knew how I was feeling and had all the right things to say. Right before she wheeled me into recovery she gave me a little teddy bear so that I could at least go home with something. She knew it wasn't what I was wishing to go home with when this pregnancy started but it was something tangible in place of the baby who couldn't be.

I cried. She wiped my tears away.

Soon Tyson came and sat with me and helped me drink some water. I needed to stay until I could get some fluids in me and go to the bathroom. They also wanted to make sure I wasn't bleeding too heavily before they sent me out the door. Everything turned out fine and we went home.

But I don't know what to do now. Physically I'm doing ok. The cramps have been on and off sometimes pretty bad, but tolerable. Mentally, I'm on a roller coaster. Sometimes I feel really great and positive about the future and other times I just need to cry right that second. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to school yet, I don't think I can be ok for that many hours in a row. It's too much work. Plus I'm still really tired. This took a lot out of me. I prefer being happy over being sad but I think all these emotions need to work their way out of my system.

So now what do I do? Any suggestions? What makes you feel better when you are sad? What helps you move on with your life?


  1. 1. Well, for me I have to cry until I feel like I can't cry anymore. Sometimes you just need to let the tears flow.

    2. Share your story with those who you feel comfortable. Talking out your story will help.

    3. Have plenty of chocolate and comical movies to ease the pain.

    4. Lastly, (but not really last,) ask the Lord for help. (Which I know you've done.)

    These are my suggestions. I know you'll make it through this Mari. You are a strong person who has a wonderful relationship with the Lord. He will help you through this. And don't forget, I'm here for ya.

  2. Sarah has wonderful advice.

    Also, remember that your body and mind have been through a trauma. Not only that, but hormones are running rampant. Crying is ok.

    I wonder if you could talk to the head of your department of school and do a week of "homework", or possibly half days? Couldn't hurt to ask.

    I love you!!

  3. 1. I totally agree that sharing your story will help. Not only will you feel the relief of sharing your pain, but you'll see that there are many others who are struggling with something. As I get older I realize that trials come, and they tend to come more frequently and be more disheartening. I guess it's part of "growing up" but the cool part is that everyone else is going through garbage too.

    2. Do some service. Going back to school will probably help you get your mind off stuff. Write the girls you visit teach a little note, make some cookies for a neighbor, call an old friend. Thinking outside your current situation will help you see a larger picture and realize that there is a whole wide world out there that is continuing on and you want to be part of that.

    3. Pray, pray, and pray some more. Journal.

    I'll be praying for you.

  4. Bless you sweetie! I know how hard this is. Sarah gave some GREAT add I will suggest...
    Go out with your friends & also with your husband, be good to yourself-get a pedicure or buy a new outfit, get outdoors-go for walks & think, cry, pray. I especially enjoyed walks by myself just to be with my thoughts. Allow yourself TIME. Hang in there!

  5. mari. i am so so sorry. i hate that you are going through this.
    i had a friend go experience the very same thing almost 2 years ago. she told me that hindsight is 20/20. She said, nothing took away the pain but time. she now has a beautiful bouncing baby boy who'll be a year in january.
    i agree with all that sarah said. stay busy but don't become numb. it's ok to feel and be sad.
    i know things will work out for you and tyson. even thought this baby couldn't come home with you, it made you a mother, your life has been changed. i am positive you'll have babies to bring home. and you'll love them and it will be wonderful! so, please stay hopeful!
    you are strong my dear.
    i love you!
    let me know if there is anything i can do!

  6. Ditto on all the advice. Don't forget your hormones are on the rampage-changing from pregnancy to not-pregnancy. Remember that you are so tired partly because of all the crazy drugs they gave you-you need to recover from the surgery as well as the emotional aspects-you kind of held it all in before-and now it is over-well if crying helps-then go for it!! We love you and are thinking about you and praying for you- Talk to other people too-you will be AMAZED at how many have gone through the same thing (me too!) and can help you. Love ya lots!!!!(don't forget your hubby may be a little confused too-he is sad but he hasn't gone through the same emotional attachment you had to your baby---)

  7. Wow, they did somethings very differently for you than they did for me. But, I have to say one thing about the needles - I had to get the IV done TWICE because the nurse did it wrong AND she knew how much I hated them. NO fun, sorry to hear about the blood tests too. My experience is no good either - I think once I was all done with everything I was poked about 8-10 times before they got everything they wanted.

    P.S. found out i am not immuned to Chicken pox, so another needle is coming my way :(

  8. Oops - forgot to comment about the coping part. Feeling tired is one of the crappy parts about recovery! But, you will get less tired.

    I know i have said this before, but one day at a time, or even mintue or hour at a time. Don't forget to ask for blessings. Husbands are great for that :) Know that we are all praying for you and there is a reason for everything. I think I just realized another reason why I went through what I did, so that I could hopefully help you through yours.

  9. Mari I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage! We went through the same thing before we had Kate (minus the D&C since I was only 8 wks. when I miscarried) and it was absolutely miserable. It's worse when you feel you have to suffer in silence (don't). At one point I saw a woman in the grocery store who was very pregnant and had a toddler with her, and I felt like I wanted to go up to her and shake her and scream, "Don't you know what you have? Why aren't you showering these children in kisses every waking moment because you are so lucky to have them!!!" Okay that was an extreme moment and in hindsight I can't remember quite why I felt that way, but the hormones really take over a bit. Every February 17th (my due date) I still think of that little baby we lost, but time really does heal. Stay strong and it gets easier! My best friend is in her 5th pregnancy (the only one that has made it past 12 weeks) and it just goes to show that the Lord has His own timetable and everything will work out according to His will!

    Oh yeah... on a lighter note, they have something to numb the area before giving an IV??? This is fabulous news! I will have to do some more research. The last time I got an IV it was SO painful. And Travis passed out. Literally. He was out cold.

  10. Ditto to all of the above. I am so glad that you have a really nice support system. Be kind to yourself. And keep the faith for the future. One of the hardest things for me was to believe that I WOULD bring babies home someday. Allow yourself to grieve, and always BELIEVE.

  11. Mari-I'm sorry about your loss. If it is any consolation, time will help you feel better. In two or so weeks the constant welling of tears will stop. Most importantly, when you finally get your baby, the hole will almost completely be gone. Until then, spend lots of time with your hubby, have lots of girls nights, and by all means, eating your weight in chocolate always helps too. I hope you both feel better soon.

  12. Everyone has given you lots of good suggestions. Hopefully they help and you are feeling everyone's love for you.

    Something that helps me is to search for articles/talks, and then I take 3 by 5 cards and write some quotes that help me feel stronger. I like to post them around or stash some in my purse as a little reminder here and there when I need them.

    I also find it comforting to try and study The Plan of Salvation during times when I don't understand why something happened or what the Lord is trying to teach me.

    And if that doesn't work, I like to drown my troubles in a strawberries and cream frapacino (spelling?) from Starbucks. Extra whipped cream please.

  13. Mari, I know you don't know me, but I found you through link of someone I know/grew up with. I have loved your blog from day one. You have a great way with words that just makes me smile when I check in. So imagine my surprise when I found out about your miscarriage. Memories came flooding back of my first miscarriage.
    Now what indeed. I've just cried and cried for you and yes, you're probably thinking... Psycho! I promise you, I'm not! For all those times you have made me laugh, I just wanted to comment to tell you how sorry I am that you had this happen to you. Time will help you deal with this. Heavenly Father will help you through this. You and Tyson lean on each other. I know it's hard comforting one another, but let me tell you from experience, if you each help the other out, it will strengthen your marriage, I promise you.
    I hope I haven't offended you by leaving a comment and my thoughts...
    I'll keep you in my prayers.

  14. i think you know within you what to do to get through this, although it seems like that strength only comes as required, eh? by the way, benn appreciated the bit you wrote about anesthesiologists. makes him proud to become a good doctor.

    by the way, your blog is great. i absolutely love your ability to say things honestly, to find the humor in things. i often relate!