Now What?

So I survived the surgery. It wasn't all that fun, it wasn't all that pretty, but man the drugs were great. I don't want to bog you down with details so...

What?

What's that?

You would love to hear every detail because you know it makes me feel better to talk about it and I'll never know if you read it all anyway? Great! I'll hit it from the top.

The night before:
The doctor told me I couldn't eat anything after midnight. No eating huh? No one tells me I can't eat. Even though the starvation period would only be from midnight to 9 am the combination of no food and being stabbed with needles was too much to handle. I needed a serious last meal before all this went down.

So I started off with about 17 mint chocolate truffles to ease my pain.

After my stomachache went away Tyson and I went to Arby's where I gorged myself on curly fries and root beer. I really like Arby's. Especially the roast beef sandwich with all the processed cheese squirted on top. Mmmm. Can't be beat. It was a good last meal choice.

A little later that night one of our home teachers came over and he and Tyson gave me a blessing. It was comforting and so emotional at the same time. Tyson and I were beginning to deal with the reality of losing this baby and it wasn't fun. We shed a few tears and held each other close and somehow made it through the night.

I also ate three more truffles. Don't tell Bob and Jillian.

The morning of:
5 am came really quick. I stumbled out of bed, dressed in my finest pajamas and ran a toothbrush over my teeth. I was so nervous but too tired to worry about it so I put myself on autopilot and let Tyson steer me through the day.

We made it to the hospital, got the preliminary paperwork finished and approached my first hurdle of the day. I had to get my blood drawn. I hate needles so much. Hate hate HATE them! I know it's irrational but I can't help it and every time I even see one heading my way I start to shiver and feel like I'm going to pass out. This was no exception.

Good thing it took her THREE tries to get my blood out.

So not fun. I was hoping to have a humongous bruise to show off how tough I was but no such luck. I took this as a bad omen of how the rest of the day was going to go.

After the blood bath the nurse took me to a not so private section of the hallway with a curtain to shield me from the world. She then gave me a backless gown (no pants or undies allowed) that was missing a tie and had a hole where the breast-pocket was. However, considering the surgery I was about to have I figured modesty wasn't a requirement so I didn't complain and arranged the gown as comfortably as possible. I should have put it on backwards and wrapped it around myself like a robe, ha ha.

I will admit I felt a little awkward as a male courier came to take me to surgery and I had to stand up and walk from my chair to the gurney. The tails of my gown flapped around my backside but I think I clutched the cloth tight enough to keep myself from flashing/mooning him. I hope.

He took me to another section of the hospital where I felt like I waited forever. It was probably only about twenty minutes but considering I was now separated from my husband and awaiting an I.V. (worst fear ever) I was not a happy camper. Finally the anesthesiologist came to stab me again. By this point I was visibly shaking and I told him at least three times how nervous I was. He patted my shoulder and told me he would give me something to relax.

I love anesthesiologists.

He poked me with something that was supposed to numb the I.V. area and then put the I.V. in. And you know what? I didn't feel a thing! Oh, I was so grateful. I had been praying and praying that the I.V. wouldn't be as bad as the blood drawing and it totally wasn't. Now I had made it through the worst... but wait. Someone else was walking toward me with a needle in his hand. Stay away, stay away!

He came to me and said he would be the anesthesiologist who would be in the surgery with me. "Ok" I said, "but are you gonna have to poke me again?"
"No way!" Said he, "You've got an I.V.!"

Genius.

"This will help you relax." he said.

And it did. About 30 seconds after he injected the contents of his blessed little syringe I started smiling. I knew it was totally stupid and I wanted to slap myself but I just couldn't help it. What I really wanted to do was laugh out loud but I knew that would be so wrong and creep out the other patients so I actually did a great job of restraining myself. "A" man came back and asked me if I was feeling it. Uh, yes, yes I am. Muchas gracias.

A couple minutes later a nurse came over to me and covered me with about three pre-warmed blankets. She was very sympathetic and took great care of me... I think. It was about this point where I started to lose track of what was going on around me but I'm sure she was nice the whole time.

Someone wheeled me into the O.R. and put an oxygen mask on my face. Breathe deep they said. The nurse put another warm blanket across my arms and then...

Someone was waking me up. It was over. I was so relieved.

The nurse who woke me up was so sweet and kind. She had recently had a miscarriage and had the same surgery that I had. She knew how I was feeling and had all the right things to say. Right before she wheeled me into recovery she gave me a little teddy bear so that I could at least go home with something. She knew it wasn't what I was wishing to go home with when this pregnancy started but it was something tangible in place of the baby who couldn't be.

I cried. She wiped my tears away.

Soon Tyson came and sat with me and helped me drink some water. I needed to stay until I could get some fluids in me and go to the bathroom. They also wanted to make sure I wasn't bleeding too heavily before they sent me out the door. Everything turned out fine and we went home.

But I don't know what to do now. Physically I'm doing ok. The cramps have been on and off sometimes pretty bad, but tolerable. Mentally, I'm on a roller coaster. Sometimes I feel really great and positive about the future and other times I just need to cry right that second. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to school yet, I don't think I can be ok for that many hours in a row. It's too much work. Plus I'm still really tired. This took a lot out of me. I prefer being happy over being sad but I think all these emotions need to work their way out of my system.

So now what do I do? Any suggestions? What makes you feel better when you are sad? What helps you move on with your life?