Hi friends!

Remember when Tyson and I went to Florida? For our anniversary job interview? And how it was super nice to have a free vacation?

And how it was only two weeks later that I got my first positive pregnancy test?

Yes, it's true. Don't worry, I was surprised too which is why I took not one, not two, but five pregnancy tests just to be sure.

Woo Hoo!!! About freakin' time! Never mind that I was now student teaching with morning all day sickness and the word "tired" didn't hold a candle to what I was experiencing. It would all be worth it in 8 months, right?

...

...Right?

It was time for my first doctors appointment.

I had my appointment scheduled for Monday, October 6 when I should be nearing the end of my 10th week. I had not had any bleeding or cramping and I had been feeling sufficiently sick so I figured all was going to be well. Of course I worried like any other pregnant woman does but things seemed to be ok so why dwell on it?

Unfortunately we found through a series of tests that there was definitely no heartbeat and the baby only measured at 5 weeks. That was a problem. I had gotten those 5 positive pregnancy tests (oh yeah, plus another positive from the health center, heh) 6 weeks ago. I'm pretty sure these tests don't predict pregnancy unless there was a memo that I seriously missed.

Shoot.

But the doctor wanted to wait a week and check me again just to be sure. Maybe my dates were off. Waaaaay off. I wanted to be sure too of course so I scheduled an appointment for about a week and a half later. For Wednesday, October 15.

In the meantime I entered this crazy state of limbo where I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know if I was pregnant or not and it threw my life upside down. All my plans for the next several months had halted and I figured the best idea was to not think about it and try and focus on teaching.

That was difficult to do, but not as hard as you might think considering we had our first concert last Wednesday. Excellent timing, I know but I was so busy that I didn't have much down time to worry. It ended up being a good thing.

Enter: Today. Wednesday. The Day. I was nervous and I didn't want to go to the doctor. He would only give me news that I didn't want to hear and break the thin barrier of denial that was keeping my sanity intact. I didn't want to go. But I had to, so I did. And the news was still not good.

I was, I am having a miscarriage.

It is interesting having your worst fear realized. When friends and family members had miscarriages I always thought to myself that I could never handle that. That they must be stronger and tougher than I am to be able to survive through that pain and appear to come out on top.

What I discovered for myself is that the Lord will help me through this trial as He has helped me through the other trials that I've had. Just knowing that He would never give me a trial unless he knew I could take it has made all of this easier. I can do this. I can work through this and life will continue to go on and I will be stronger because of it.

Don't get me wrong though. This has been heartbreaking for us and I'm sure it will hurt for awhile.

Tomorrow I will have a minor surgery to remove everything that has developed thus far. I keep telling myself that it is no big deal and as long as I can make it through all the needles I'll be ok.

I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Wish me luck.