Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Hi friends!

Remember when Tyson and I went to Florida? For our anniversary job interview? And how it was super nice to have a free vacation?

And how it was only two weeks later that I got my first positive pregnancy test?

Yes, it's true. Don't worry, I was surprised too which is why I took not one, not two, but five pregnancy tests just to be sure.

Woo Hoo!!! About freakin' time! Never mind that I was now student teaching with morning all day sickness and the word "tired" didn't hold a candle to what I was experiencing. It would all be worth it in 8 months, right?



It was time for my first doctors appointment.

I had my appointment scheduled for Monday, October 6 when I should be nearing the end of my 10th week. I had not had any bleeding or cramping and I had been feeling sufficiently sick so I figured all was going to be well. Of course I worried like any other pregnant woman does but things seemed to be ok so why dwell on it?

Unfortunately we found through a series of tests that there was definitely no heartbeat and the baby only measured at 5 weeks. That was a problem. I had gotten those 5 positive pregnancy tests (oh yeah, plus another positive from the health center, heh) 6 weeks ago. I'm pretty sure these tests don't predict pregnancy unless there was a memo that I seriously missed.


But the doctor wanted to wait a week and check me again just to be sure. Maybe my dates were off. Waaaaay off. I wanted to be sure too of course so I scheduled an appointment for about a week and a half later. For Wednesday, October 15.

In the meantime I entered this crazy state of limbo where I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know if I was pregnant or not and it threw my life upside down. All my plans for the next several months had halted and I figured the best idea was to not think about it and try and focus on teaching.

That was difficult to do, but not as hard as you might think considering we had our first concert last Wednesday. Excellent timing, I know but I was so busy that I didn't have much down time to worry. It ended up being a good thing.

Enter: Today. Wednesday. The Day. I was nervous and I didn't want to go to the doctor. He would only give me news that I didn't want to hear and break the thin barrier of denial that was keeping my sanity intact. I didn't want to go. But I had to, so I did. And the news was still not good.

I was, I am having a miscarriage.

It is interesting having your worst fear realized. When friends and family members had miscarriages I always thought to myself that I could never handle that. That they must be stronger and tougher than I am to be able to survive through that pain and appear to come out on top.

What I discovered for myself is that the Lord will help me through this trial as He has helped me through the other trials that I've had. Just knowing that He would never give me a trial unless he knew I could take it has made all of this easier. I can do this. I can work through this and life will continue to go on and I will be stronger because of it.

Don't get me wrong though. This has been heartbreaking for us and I'm sure it will hurt for awhile.

Tomorrow I will have a minor surgery to remove everything that has developed thus far. I keep telling myself that it is no big deal and as long as I can make it through all the needles I'll be ok.

I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Wish me luck.


  1. Oh.....I'm so sorry. I know how it feels to go through this hurts...bad. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Love, Maria

  2. I'm wishing you luck Mari. I'm so sorry that things haven't gone as planned for you. You are right, the Lord will help you through this and He wouldn't give you a situation you couldn't handle.

    I'll be thinking of you.

  3. I wish we were there to do something. You have been in our prayers and will continue to be tomorrow. We love you and Tyson and will try to call tomorrow or Friday.

  4. I'm so sorry Mari and Tyson. Good luck with everything and my prayers will be with you. Keep your positive outlook and you can pull through this.

  5. oh mari. my heart is aching.
    you are amazing. and strong.
    my thoughts and prayers will be with you.

  6. Mari,

    I found your blog a little while ago and have been meaning to leave a comment, but well, never have, obviously. I love your writing style. You have such a gift with words.

    I was so sad to read this post. I'm sorry for your heartache.


  7. You are so right Mari, God knows your struggles and He stands with you! My prayers will be with you today! I am so sorry!

  8. Mari, thank you for sharing your experience with the world. I think that it is so important to share our struggles in this area. I remember when I thought getting pregnant would be as easy as deciding when and where. I remember taking that first pregnancy test (it was going to be my husband’s b-day surprise) and just being so sure it would come back positive. I distinctly remember staring at the stick and realizing just how obviously not pregnant I was. I felt very hollow and alone. Mari I can only imagine how you are feeling. My heart aches for you. The Lord will not leave you alone; He will help you through this. You are in my prayers.

    Love, Julie

  9. You are in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need anything, I am here for you. I'm sorry that this happened. Love you.

  10. Mari...I was squinting my eyes as I kept on reading; I didn't want to read what I thought was coming. I am sooooo sorry. I can only imagine how difficult of a time this is for you both. You are so positive and that will take you a long way! You are in my prayers.

  11. I'm so sorry hon. This is a hard thing to go through but I know Heavenly Father will take care of you. We love you and are praying for you.

  12. Hang in there babe! I love you.

  13. My sweet daughter, you are very brave to share your most intimate pain with the world. I wish we could understand fully why these things happen. Keep hope in your heart. Love, Mom

  14. Mari - I am so so sad for you. Every time I think about what I JUST went through and now YOU have to go through it too it makes my heart ache and tears run freely. I wish I was there to give you a hug and bring you dinner! I am just glad everything went well. Now is the time to look forward; be positive, allow your body to heal both physically and emotionally. Take everything one day at a time and better days will come, I promise - Love you!! -Jess

  15. Oh-I am SO so SO sorry. Your mom called me last week and told me the news and I haven't heard anything until Jessica told me your D&C went okay this morning-Everything will be ok-just allow yourself time to grieve and get well and know how much everyone loves you!!!

  16. Oh, I am so sad for you. My sister in law went through the same ordeal yesterday. I don't know what to say and still don't know what to say. With that said.... You are in my prayers!

  17. Oh Mari, I am so sorry. I can't even imagine how hard this semester has been for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

  18. Mari,
    I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through this. You and Tyson will be in our prayers.


  19. I'm so sorry Mari. We will pray for you and Tyson and your broken hearts. I can't even imagine.

  20. I'm behind on checking blogs so I just found out about this. I'm so sorry. No one can tell you they know how you feel, but there are those who have been through the same thing (my sister for one) and can give good advice. We'll keep you in our prayers. I know you'll make it through this.