Today we mourn the loss of a good friend, the straightener. Although the straightener lived a rather short life, its work was well known and of the highest quality. The cause of death is unknown as it was not dropped nor was it thrown in a fit of bad hair day rage, and death has been determined a suicide perhaps due to the increasing length of its owner's hair. The straightener passed away on Feb. 11, 2008 leaving behind a smell of burning rubber that permeated the entire apartment and caused the immediate evacuation of the residents.
Nausea and headaches followed.