Warning

This is what happens when you drink too much cough syrup before bed.

That extra half tablespoon really got me.

Yes, I've been attacked by the plague. Ever since I got to Washington I've had a hack-up-a-lung type of cough that keeps me up at night and makes Tyson wish I had stayed in Utah. I've eaten enough ricola cough drops to feed a small country which as it turns out is just enough to keep the coughing at bay for a solid 30 seconds. Any suggestions anyone? Help me please.

One of the nice things about being sick is that I can indulge myself in my true passion. Crocheting.

Don't laugh, I'm serious! I love how relaxing it is, plus it gives me a feeling of accomplishment even when I've been sitting on the couch watching movies for 7 hours straight. So, as a future member of the Crochet Society of America, I would like to teach you how to make a blanket.

First, make a chain of 41 stitches.

It is usually best to pick a random number like 41 or 237 when starting out. This way every time you start a new square you have to struggle to remember how big it needs to be. It keeps the mind working and gives you the perfect level of frustration to make a stellar project.

Next begin work on a square. For our blanket today we will be using the simple single crochet stitch.

Why?

Because it is simple. And single. The way I was when I first learned to crochet.

Please ignore those white sticks in the background. Those are my legs. They can't help the way they are.

7 hours later...

Voila!

Of course, this does not take 7 hours if you crochet at a carpal tunnel inducing rate like I do. My wrist cracks at least once for every stitch. For this square that is... approx 2009 bone crunching turns of the crochet hook. Awesome.

Did you know that one time I went to the doctor because my hands were going numb all the time? After stabbing me with no less than 57 little needles in all the most sensitive parts of my fingers and forearms, he determined that I have the equivalent of carpal tunnel syndrome in my elbows. Who has even heard of that?

His remedy: sleep with my arms around a pillow at night so my elbows don't bend whilst I slumber.

Uh, yeah, that lasted all of 10 minutes. So now I just wake up each day with rubbery numb arms. Its all good.

Anyway, where was I... Oh! Crochet!

After you finish your lovely square you'll want to carefully stitch it to the 300 other squares you have made to create your blanket.

P.S. I took all these pictures using the timer on the camera and holding it between my chin and my chest. Just in case you wanted to know.

I was feeling pretty creative with this one. Usually I just go for the basic line up all yer squares and get 'er done pattern.


Next you need to add a border. I wish I had more time to make a bigger border cause I think it would have looked way better.
Actually now that I'm looking at the pictures I almost like it without the border better. What do you think? Never mind, don't tell me. It is what it is.

Then you fold it up somehow, tie it with the 14 skeins of extra yarn you have, and make it presentable for your friend Rachel. Then you give it to Rachel and shed a silent tear because you'll be in Washington when she gives birth to her sweet little munchkin.

And that is how you make the best crocheted blanket ever.